he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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