swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
