Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
