Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
