I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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