a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
