Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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