If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
