chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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