how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
