I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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