So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
