duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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