sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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