if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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