you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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