Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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