In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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