filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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