I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
