i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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