I think I am morally bankrupt
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
