Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize