if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
