clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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