that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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