There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
