the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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