my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
