Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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