my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
