its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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