The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
