i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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