Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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