She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize