Don't make out with my wife yet
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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