85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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