**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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