I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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