Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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