Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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