so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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