I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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