I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
