You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
