Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
