I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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