I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
