i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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