My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
