Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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