just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
