I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
