Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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