You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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