Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
