moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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