If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I will pee on everything he values.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize