wakey wakey hands off snakey
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
