when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
