i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
