She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish you could order shots online.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
3 2 1 whiskey
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
