do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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