Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
