He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There are leaves in my underwear?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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