You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
